Supporting Empathy When Preschoolers Aren’t Ready to React

In the last post, we talked about how empathy starts with something super simple: just noticing that someone else is having an experience. No reaction required-  just that first tiny flicker of awareness.

But noticing? That’s just the beginning.
Empathy doesn’t stop there. It grows.

And as children get older, their empathy starts to deepen-  not because they suddenly know what to do-  but because they start trying to make sense of what they noticed.

That’s where we are now: the “Hmm... what’s going on over there?” phase.

The Middle Stage of Empathy: Understanding (Not Fixing)

At this stage, empathy isn’t about reacting. It’s about understanding.

And actually, that understanding is still wobbly and incomplete- and that’s okay. In fact, it’s expected.

You might hear a child say things like:

• “He’s sad.”
• “She’s mad.”
• “They’re crying.”

Those statements don’t tell the whole story-  and they’re not supposed to.
They show that a child is beginning to connect what they see with what it might mean.

And that? That’s empathy growing.

But Feelings Are Tricky…

Here’s why understanding emotions is a pretty tall order for young children:

• Emotions change quickly
• People can feel more than one thing at the same time
• Kids are still working with limited language
• And their own emotions are still VERY loud in their heads

So yeah… they’re gonna misread the room sometimes.

They might:

• Think someone’s mad when they’re actually tired
• Project their feelings onto someone else
• Oversimplify complicated emotions (we’ve all heard “he’s just being mean” when really... it’s more layered)

But this isn’t a problem. It’s part of the process.

Wait- Shouldn’t We Help Them Get It Right?

Great question. And yes- our first instinct as adults is often to jump in and correct.

But empathy doesn’t grow through correction.
It grows best when we expand their thinking instead of fixing it.

That can sound like:

• “You noticed he’s upset-  I wonder what felt hard for him.”
• “You’re wondering why she cried when it didn’t look like she got hurt.”
• “It seemed like that surprised him. What do you think happened?”

See how those responses invite more thought without shutting it down?

Even when kids get it “wrong,” they’re still practicing empathy.
They’re learning how to think about other people’s experiences-  which is way more important than having the perfect interpretation.

Understanding Comes Before Action

This is a big one.
There’s so much pressure (especially in group settings) to push kids toward doing something:

• Hug your friend
• Apologize
• Make it better

And yes, those are good goals… but only after the child has had time to make sense of what’s happening.

Empathy needs time to grow on the inside before it shows up on the outside.

When we rush past this stage, we risk raising children who know how to perform empathy- but not actually feel it.

So What Can Adults Do?

Once kids are noticing and beginning to understand feelings, your role becomes less about giving them scripts-  and more about knowing when to step back.

Let the awkward silence happen.
Let them fumble through their thoughts.
Let the understanding grow-  even if it’s imperfect.

Because that messy, curious in-between space?
That’s where empathy starts to take root.

If You’re Wondering How to Support This Stage…

I’ve put together three mini empathy lessons that gently guide children to explore emotions at their own pace.

You can find those right here. They’re simple, short, and designed to work with real kids… not perfect ones.

Empathy doesn’t grow all at once.

So if your child or student is just starting to wonder what someone else is feeling- even if they don’t quite get it right- that’s a big win.
Let it be enough for now.

We’ll talk more in the next post about how to support empathy as it moves into action- without pressure or performance.

Take care!